Not Important Enough

When you were born, I was completely pushed aside.  You became the most important person in our little family.  Growing up, we didn’t get along very well.  But as we got older we developed a bond, and you became one of my best friends.  I have done so much for you, and have been there for you through absolutely everything…  I would go to the end of the world and back for you… but you’re letting some stupid, selfish woman poison your brain with lies and stupidity.  

How many times do I have to ask you to not involve her in our relationship?  How many more times can this family break my heart before I finally give up on them?  Do you have any idea what it’s like knowing that on the most important day of your life your own Mother and brother won’t be there for you because they’re too God damn selfish?  I want you to know that I would sit next to the devil himself if it meant that I could be at ANY special occasion of yours.  I put my family first.  I always have, and always will even if it means putting my broken heart back together while doing so. 

I don’t know how I’m going to get through “the happiest day of my life”.  Because, I just want it to be over with… I know how much of an emotional wreck I will be that day.  And, I don’t want everyone to see how weak I really am.  :(

…This is just a high rant, better words to come. 

Go on, yell at me!

I have never understood when while walking down the street, people feel the need to roll down the window of their vehicle and yell at you.  Not only is it stupid, but if you think it bothers me - you have another thing coming to you.  

Yelling “fatass” at me while I’m walking my dogs, and you’re driving around in your Mom’s mini van; doesn’t upset me.  It makes me laugh.  Do you really think by yelling that, you’re making a difference?  I hope not.  

I know I’m fat, just let me walk my fucking dogs in peace. 

urbanteaparty asked: how come you so beautiful?? O:

You’re too sweet!! :) seriously!!  

Thank you xox

Simple, yet so hard.

I never wanted to have something so bad. 

Usually when I’m curious about something, I just go ahead and do it.  I find out what I had been wondering, without thinking twice.  

This time, I have no choice.  I just can’t do it.  Something so simple that seems to come so easily to everyone, and I can’t do it.  I may never have it, or feel it.  I may never experience one of the most beautiful things in the world, because my body won’t let me.  I may never become a Mother. 

I swear to God, if one more person says to me, “It’s okay, you can always adopt!”  I’ll fucking snap.  It’s NOT okay, and while I’d love to adopt I just want to know the feeling of a baby kicking me from the inside.  I want to experience child birth.  I’d appreciate the hell out of the morning sickness and labour pains just because I knew how hard it can be to get there. 

Thinking that I may never have a child of my own, while I see the entire world around me have a family, kills me.  My heart is actually broken.  There are so many women out there who are dying to become a Mother, yet there are undeserving women getting pregnant left, right, and center.  I just don’t get it.  I didn’t think something could hurt so bad.  

Every time I see a baby, and every time I hear of someone else becoming pregnant, my heart breaks a little more.  It’s hard to be happy for others, when you’re beaming with jealousy.  

Why can’t something in my life be easy for once?  Why do I have to face every single God damn obstacle out there just to achieve something I want and deserve? 

My Empty Arms

My empty arms become weak,

and another crack is added to my already broken heart. 

A tear falls from my eyes,  

and hits the floor of the room where you would have slept.

I had all of these dreams of you, and plans for you. 

I imagined the things we’d do, and the places we’d go.  

I could see your first steps, and hear your first words. 

But you were never meant to be mine. 

You were meant to stay in my mind, 

as a wonder, as a dream. 

You never existed. 

And never will.  

“Nothing tastes as good as thin feels…”

I read this quote today, and nearly put my fist through the screen wanting to punch the author of this quote.  

I don’t understand why society feels the need to pressure people to be thin.  How about pushing people to love themselves the way they are?  How about encouraging people to be kind to one another no matter what size or shape they are?  That’s my ideal society.  

Was it something I said?

I started a new job not too long ago, and a couple of us ladies were standing around chatting one day… 

We were talking about our bodies and I made a comment about how I was fat.  Well, one of the women was so completely shocked and mortified that I openly called myself “fat” ……like it was a bad word.  She proceeded to tell me how she would rather call fat people “big”.  In my opinion, that word offends me a lot more.  

I have accepted that I am FAT.  And there is nothing wrong with me saying it out loud.  I’m sorry if I offend you when I talk about my body in a truthful manner, but I know what I look like.  You know what I look like.  It’s obvious.  Why dance around the subject?  

Are you confident enough to openly call yourself fat?  Does it bother others?  Do you feel that body size has become taboo?   

My big fat wedding dress…

Hey there!  No, I didn’t forget about tumblr.  Was just without internet for a little while.  I am back, though!  

I tried the whole dating scene, and failed miserably.  And, actually ended up back in a relationship with my ex.  Him and I will be getting married on July 28th of this year, which will be our 6 year anniversary!  I’m very excited that we decided to work things out, and we have never been more in love.  I guess a few months to breathe was enough to show us both that we can’t live without each other! 

Trying to find a wedding dress when you’re fat, isn’t easy.  Not all bridal shops carry your size, and usually when they do - the dresses are beyond hideous.  

It’s frustrating enough having a hard time trying to find regular clothes that look awesome, but it is heartbreaking when you hear that the dress of your dreams only comes in a size big enough to cover your left thigh.  I found that a lot of places that did carry plus sized dresses, praised themselves on “not charging extra for larger sizes”.  I understand that it does take a little extra fabric to make a dress for a bigger woman, but why should we have to pay more than someone half our size to have the perfect dress for the most important day of our life?!  Wedding dresses are expensive enough as it is!! 

I guess I’ll never understand the fashion world…  How they call sized 14 women “plus size”, how they don’t feel the need to supply us bigger girls with equally beautiful clothes, and how they punish us by making us spend more on the same piece of clothing a person of a smaller size would wear.  

I did end up finding my wedding dress through David’s Bridal.  They have a decent selection of plus size dresses.  I’d definitely recommend them to any of my fellow curvy brides-to-be out there! :) 

Ciao for now, dolls. 

you. yes, you!

you rock, and so does your blog. I am over weight and 30 years old and share a lot of your thoughts. never stop blogging! :)